Well in 25 days I turn 35. 35 YEARS OLD!!!  I remember turning 16, got my first job at McDonald's, 18, first act as an adult buying a lottery ticket,  21 going to a bar, 25 crying in the car  and 30 quitting smoking.  I'm wondering what I'll remember about this year.  Each year I make it a point to celebrate with friends and that wont change.  I'll get a cake (white vanilla almond) from my favorite bakery, G'S CAKE SHOP in Virginia Beach and we'll go to restaurant talk get loud and just have fun.  Now I don't have  things I thought I'd have at this point like; a solid healthy relationship, financially stability, house, my dream car, resources/ability to travel just to name a few.  The more I thought about the worse I started to feel and just as I started to feel worse something said "where were you this time last year"?  Well lets see; unemployed, broke and depressed with no options.  As Joyce Meyer would say "I'm not where I need to be but THANK GOD I'm not where I used to be"! I have a decent job, I'm not broke (I ate sushi 6 days in a row a couple weeks ago, broke people cant do that) and I'm far from depressed because this year I have options.  I thought a little longer and asked myself why don't I have those things I want and the answer was so simple I couldn't see it, I've NEVER FELT LIKE I DESERVED THEM.  I've never felt worthy of a relationship and REFUSED put myself out there to get hurt, always said I'd never be able to afford a house or my dream car and have always felt trapped here.  Funny thing is if someone said those things to me I'd let them have it because they're stupid mental strongholds.  I've never felt uncomfortable with myself or felt the need to change just never felt that people got me or didn't see me as a joke.  Since so far  I've done ok for myself but I think it's time to the BEST I can do for myself.  I've got a wonderful, supportive family and the best friends you could ask for.   That being said I'm posting this so I can be held publicly accountable on my 36th birthday.  There WILL be progress in EVERY area no alternatives, no excuses.  I am living proof you are what you believe about yourself and now it's time to change what I believe it damn sure cant hurt.  If I look this good with those yucky thoughts imagine how I'll look when I get my mind right! 35 is going to be FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                              

November 13, 2007
Well my birthday has come and gone.  I dont feel any different and thank the Lord I dont look any different!  I got exaclty what I wanted, my cake and dinner with friends.  I realized that night what you plan and what happens are 2 different things.  And you can do 1 of 2 things, accept things and people as they come or how they are or battle everything in life that you dont like or doesnt go as planned.  The night of my party it rained, babysitters were in short supply or people were out of town.  As I realized that the number or attendees was going from 15 to possibly 3 I made a quick decision, "MO cake for us" or "How can they do this to me"  I am happy to say the MO Cake for us secnario worked out much better, thanks in part to tougue lashing from Amy.  Another friend who I havent hung out with in years showed up, he walked in the rain to get there.  He told me later that night that he was so thankful to be there and that he had a great time seeing Amy or "Miss Berry" as he calls her and meeting her new boyfriend.  And it sounds hokey or like something off Oprah but that was a better than the gift he gave me.  Speaking of Oprah she's said for years that if youre on the right path in life the things that youre greatful for will become smaller, less eventful and a far more satisfying than the huge events and accolades you needed when youre younger.  I like being 35, "Im not where I need to be but THANK GOD Im not where I used to be"!